lennychip's lame ass blog

I have the sort of shame that announces itself before I enter the room. but while I'm being honest: sometimes I think you hate me. you must hate me. and anyway, I never practice what i preach. throw it up, shout it quietly, whisper loudly. if you led me to the end of the world, I'd let you. if you jumped first, I would too. I'm the type of conceited that sees himself in everything (I know it's never about me). you're there too. the kind of inconsequential suffering that doesn't make me interesting anyway, so what's the point? just tell me to stop and I will.

sorry, it's been a while. feels like it to me. i've been too busy. i don't know if i want to keep living like this. the whole world has gone to shit - and this is the worst part of it - i'm not affected enough to be acting like this. i don't want to get up in the mornings. what the hell is wrong with me? anyway, there's your update. either the world ends or i kill myself first. (in all honesty it'll be the first, i'm too much of a coward anyhow.) additionally - this may be even worse - i think i want to change my major. (worse? did you really just say that?) but i've sunk-costed myself already, and i have too big of an ego. well, anyway. i've been doing too much to introspect, though i think i need to see a doctor

i'll try something new but this must never come out. you say it's worse than i think it is. but the truth is i'd rather die than give you the time of day. don't you ever fucking hear yourself? and does no one else see right through it? don't you dare ask me why you're lonely. you know damn well why. i'm only surprised it took that long.

but really this could mean anything. give me the benefit of the doubt as i did you (i know i shouldn't have). the more you talk the more i'm afraid i'll blow both our brains out. i'll put my fist thru the mirror. you're every part of myself i've ever wanted to get rid of. and you don't even see it. honestly i bet you think every song is about you. though a broken clock is right twice a day. center of the fucking universe. sun turned black hole. twins in the worst way. it's time to check your own shoe.

i can afford myself the melodrama but in ten years i'll look back on this and think it was all so trivial. and it is. in ten years i'll probably be dead anyway

4AM in the haze after new years day. i dont know how im still alive. the latter half of this year had me floating by like i was inconsequential (sorry). nevertheless its here. im 19 this year. i still feel like im 12.

my resolutions from last year. ive done most of them. (jurys still out on not killing myself.) i havent had my midnight kiss. half that is my fault. i graduated high school. i stayed in the country-perhaps the worst decision ive made, yet i cant say i regret it. im in college. i think i got better at music. i listened to a lot of music this year. started a cd collection. went to gigs-played some gigs. im still a coward though.

i think my only resolutions are to make more music. and make some noise and make any kind of mark. and stay alive. (jurys still out.)

you must be sick of this by now. i suppose it's par for the course that you end up in my dreams. and i'm glad you love me too but i'll be dead soon i just know it and i can't do that to you. i think i'm destined to fail. but you could do so much. anyway, it's all pointless bullshit and i pretend my hand is you cause baby im nothing if not a coward. see you tomorrow, good morning

some part of me hopes you find this and i humiliate myself (but maybe it would do good for you to raise your ego i know it would to me). and i hope you dont mid that im a fucking coward (dont worry love i know you are too). i hug you too long so i can smell you in my hair when i get home. do you mind that i look at your lips asking you to go for it first? and how unfair is it that everyone else gets to do it in public? maybe you find this and then finally take a hint but maybe were stuck in limbo forever. but im okay with that

i love you, but im afraid to love you

never ever ever kill yourself. suicide postponed im not even kidding GODDAMN YOU NINTENDOOOOOO!!!

and also rhythm heaven god bless

its okay though, ill be gone soon

i love music i love instruments i love singing and dancing and jumping and headbanging i love sounds... one of the best things i ever did with my life was join a band even though i am shit and ass at electric guitar. for the first two years of our life i did not even own any distortion/drive and thus most of my playing sounded like shit-not to say that distortion makes you sound better, its just that we played rock/adjacent songs and the rhythm guitar had the cleanest most disgusting tone ever. and watching old gigs back (thank god for friends who are dedicated to taking videos) it is actually apparent that i improved and am not stagnant. though it feels like it sometimes. NO i dont know what notes are on the fretboard YES i have such little sense of rhythm and hand-eye coordination NO i barely ever practice NO i have no idea how to even write an original melody and/or riff at all. but i still love playing music idgaf.

NOT TO MENTION LIVE SHOWS!!!! but i havent been to one in a while so im not riding off that high as much. music is the best thing humans ever invented thank god for music thank you jesus

happy 2025! i hope this year is kinder to me. anyhow, it's an exceptional number. a perfect square. if thats not a good omen then i dont know what is. do you guys ever find yourself thinking about numbers? i had this giant multiplication table poster at the foot of my bed when i was growing up. went to a lot of math competitions you see, except i was shit at math. so to memorize my multiples of 1 thru 12 i had the big ass poster. had another one next to it for numbers 1 to 100-i have a little brother, so that helped him learn his numbers too, i suppose. anyway right before bed for many years of my life growing up i had those two posters to stare at. go to bed dreaming about numbers and patterns. by god, the patterns. if i couldnt sleep id watch the clock tick the seconds by which only works about 30% of the time. the other 70% id spend staring at the posters and finding patterns within the numbers. i dont remember any of them anymore-we threw the posters away when we moved-but i think thats why im the way i am now.

cool reds and warm yellows...im graduating high school this year. not sure i want to. where has the time gone? i promised to kill myself by 18 but i dont think i want to yet. i guess it remains to be seen. (oops, accidentally showed my hand and revealed my age there.) anyway:

THINGS I PROMISE TO DO THIS YEAR:
*finish my fucking research project finally
*graduate from my piece of shit exploitative school that ill miss dearly
*grow some goddamn balls and have my first kiss
*go to college
*try not to move to a new country because its hard enough trying to adjust to new things every day
*get better at guitar and music and everything
*grow some fucking balls in general i think

thats all. happy holidays! so it goes.

(im frozen here at my computer screen. i know exactly what to say but i cant bring myself to write it much less say it to your face. im sorry if you find my heart here instead of with you. and i hope youll forgive the parenthetical-im using my inside voice, see? but oh, god i hope you dont mind that i think about you so much and that everytime i think about what you wrote me months ago i have to punch the wall to feel the pain in my knuckles before i tell you something stupid. and everytime you smile or laugh at something i said i have to look away like i was staring at the sun. i still cant look at you properly. and i know what youve said but i still feel disgusting for wanting more. and that everytime i touch you you pull away. i hope you dont mind that i think about you before bed to fall asleep. and that i dream about you holding me. and i hope you never find this, or if you do, that you kill me before you comment on it. i hope you still think about me anyway. im sorry for everything)

Anyway, how's your day going?

oh, boy! see, i was planning to update this every day or so, but clearly that didn't happen. so then it turned into every week. and still, here is the second entry, twenty days after the first. i guess it's just hard to write about things that people might see. let's see, then: i'm writing this down now, so i can hold myself accountable. i'll write every week at least, every friday night (well, it's saturday now). maybe this can work as some sort of journaling exercise without the wrist pain. i've tried journaling before and it didn't work out, but maybe now it will. it's good to be an optimist sometimes.

anyway, interesting things happened this past week. my semester break was unexpectedly extended thanks in kind to a typhoon. it was welcome at first, then it wasn't - you know, heavy winds and rain can do some real fucking damage for air and water. oh, well, people are safe now for the most part. i myself passed the time by playing video games. usually i'd browse itch.io for hours and end up playing domino club stuff or something similar, but this week i was obsessing over pathologic, unfortunately. mostly because of the pathologic 3 announcement. briefly went insane over the prospect of time travel in an already notoriously confusing and difficult game, so much so that my friends are apparently kind of into it now? well, because i wouldn't stop talking about it, but still.

the perks of a semester break include less (not totally zero, but significantly less) school responsibilities to take care of. usually, anyway. unfortunately all the extracurriculars i signed up for when i was feeling able and ambitious are all crashing down on me now. i regret every single one of them. i'll do them, but jesus christ couldn't past me think ahead? like, he knows i'm 1) lazy and 2) literally always sick. ah well.

i don't know what else to say now. sorry for the Extremely EdgyTM first entry down there. don't look at it. no i mean it. it makes no sense anyway.

alt. i am so happy for you and your ugly fucking boyfriend im serious

i see the instagram stories of the most immature people i used to know and they're all buddy buddy with each other now. it's fucking infuriating. these same people venting in my dms and acting fake to each other's face, and now i'm supposed to believe they worked past it? though i can't tell if it would be worse if they were faking it for the camera. then again this is a years-old grudge, so maybe it's me. here everyone is knowing exactly who they are and what they mean to everyone else. okay, do you want a prize?

can't even tell you anything cuz i'll scare you away. don't think i can tell you i was banking on not living this long so i don't have to think about the hard stuff. but i'm still too much of a coward to do it so i'm just sitting inert until something kills me finally. sitting ducks til something claws its way out from inside my stomach. i'm sorry i love you.

oh well. at least there's still glitter and emo music in the world